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If Men Gave Birth Too It Would Be All We Ever Talked About

March 9, 2016 by Katie Lee

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito in "Junior".

I’ve got a theory. And that theory is that if both men and women had children, it would be all we talked about, all the time.

I don’t mean in some kind of “aren’t we amazing, we produced a life” type way (although, that too), I mean in a “Holy cow, did that really happen? Can we just run this by you one more time” type way.

We’d always be sharing our tales of abject misery or bragging about how quickly we evicted little Freddie. We’d be comparing blood loss, admiring stitches, reviewing the best pile remedies, discussing the merits of salt baths over lavender and opening up about how we were opened up.

There would be no shame or humiliation involved with the experience. After all, everyone writhes around on the bed with their private areas exposed to a room full of strangers while someone discreetly slings that turd into a waste receptacle. It’s so normal no one cringes when the lunch lady pops her head round the door to ask what sandwich you want while the consultant tries to put your vagina back how it was when they found it.

The whole harrowing/amazing/actually pretty gross experience [delete as applicable] would be such an important part of our lives that we’d bore the children with it every year at Christmas. It would be everyone’s family tradition. Gather round, kiddies, mummy and daddy are going to share their birthing stories again.

And the more we talked about it, and pondered why so many of us mooed our way through second stage, the more normal it would all become. The more normal it became, the less squeamish we’d be about our bodies and about our periods. After all, periods would simply be a bodily function everyone experiences, part of being an adult.

And once periods were moved up above shit, snot, piss and vomit on the list of Most Gross Bodily Fluids, we would start to see our menses as the lifeblood of the human race, as the marker for all the births we’ve experienced and all the wounds we’ve carried, rather than a revolting, shameful liquid. If we all had periods, the coming of age comedy, Superbad, would no longer feature Jonah Hill reacting to the period blood on his trousers like it was about to crawl along his leg and gobble up his manhood.

I’m not suggesting it should be collected into receptacles and revered like some kind of potent elixir, a period would still be a right royal pain in the vulva, but we wouldn’t live in a world where 52% of the population was expected never to speak of such lady-based horrors in mixed company. In this parallel universe, where men and women gave birth to the human race, people would know that menstrual fluid is not so disgusting we have to use blue water to advertise sanitary products, that getting a bit on your trousers just means you need to wash your trousers. We wouldn’t live in a world where period blood is revolting and shameful, but a zombie torso leaking innards, covered in non-period blood, crawling along a front lawn is wonderful entertainment.

The blood that once held the potential to nurture a whole new life from scratch would no longer be the bad kind of blood and poor Jonah could finally think about it without wanting to vomit.


If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my free email series for new mothers returning to work. It’s self-help but with swearing and embarrassing stories and hopefully a few laughs. There’s no upsell — I wrote it because it’s the course I wish I could have gone on after I had my first child. Sign up or read an excerpt at katielee.co.uk/this-was-my-mum-life-crisis

Filed Under: Blather, Columns Tagged With: Babies, Menstruation, Periods, Pregnancy

My Simple Time-hacking Tips for Tired Mothers

January 26, 2016 by Katie Lee

Not wearing any makeup. Haven't had a shower. Forgot the sling so using a giant scarf. Good enough.
Not wearing any makeup. Haven’t had a shower. Forgot the sling so using a giant scarf. Good enough.

If you’ve just had a baby you may well wonder how you and your infant will ever be able to leave the house before 1pm.

First time around there were so many bits and bobs to collect up, so much stress over feeding times, showering arrangements, teeth brushing, changing the baby’s entire outfit after she shat up to her hairline. Twice. There were buggies to assemble, muslins to gather, breast pads to replenish. It all just seemed so much.

Second time around you wonder what the Dickens you were playing at.

What on earth were you doing, faffing about the place and failing to make it a 10.30 appointment?

What changed? Certainly, the first time around I felt like I’d been involved in a serious car accident after 54 hours of labour (which some of you will fondly remember me live-tweeting back in 2009. Ah, memories!) And there was the luxury of taking a long morning nap after the 6am feed, which doesn’t happen when a toddler’s on the scene.

But that’s not all. It’s more than that. Something more fundamental….

I seriously lowered my standards.

Seriously lowering your standards is the key to a more peaceful experience the second time around. Making Joanne Mallon’s “Good Enough is Good Enough” your mantra will save you stress – and an awful lot of time.

Along the way, I’ve learned some very useful lessons. And I’d like to share them with you now so that we can all go out into the world in a more slatternly fashion. Because then I’ll know my life’s work is done.

These aren’t time saving tips for dealing with your child more efficiently like some kind of Wonder Parent, these are time-saving tips for helping you to function as a human whilst caring for people who don’t even have enough self-discipline to put their shoes on without stopping 10 times to draw a picture/pick at the wallpaper/admire some dirt/hide My Little Ponies in my shoes/generally dick about.

Katie’s top time-saving tips for new mothers

1. Showering is now optional

Got a new baby and baffled as to how you’re supposed to get ready fast? Easy: just accept that showering is now a luxury to be enjoyed but rarely. Once I would have wrinkled my nose at such an unsanitary suggestion, but these days I often have a shower before bed (whether I need it or no) – or don’t have one at all.

I wear Mitchum 48-hour roll-on deodorant after showering AND top up with a Mitchum spray first thing. I’ll probably die of armpit cancer or something, but at least I’ll smell Powder Fresh.

Remember: Baby wipes are your friend.

2. Hair washing is an unnecessary luxuryWashing your hair - a luxury now

With a little time you can reduce your hair washing requirements to every other day, every three days or even once a week depending on your hair type. Anyway, no one can see the grease when it’s all scraped up in a frizzy ponytail. So beautiful!

Remember: Dry shampoo should be sprayed at least 30 centimetres from the head unless you think grey streaks make you look refined.

3. It’s all about the hair oil

I haven’t done a scientific study on this one, but Moroccan Hair Oils and their ilk all promise to reduce hair drying times and I’m totally convinced they’re right (plus, they help make my hair look less like Worzel Gummidge).

Also, get a decent hair dryer to dry hair faster. And, if you can afford it– and don’t feel queasy about the embalming fluids– a Brazilian Blow Dry.

4. Need a treat? Get your eyebrows done

I used to love having facials and getting in a bit of pamper time. Now I get edgy wasting a whole hour and a half while someone covers me in goo, prods me and chatters inanely – I get enough of that from the children. But eyebrows are super-quick to do, make you look really groomed and usually cost about a fiver.

The cheap nail bars or threading stations in shopping malls are my favourites. The staff in salons always spend the whole time lecturing me about pre-booking (I want to run in when I get a spare second, not plan my life around it) and trying to shame me into buying laser treatments for my disastrous face.

Remember: Patience is a virtue for people without children.

5. Get dressed immediately

If you get up and you’re not totally revolting, put real clothes on immediately. It may turn out to be your only opportunity for a long while and wearing pants makes you feel more in control of your destiny (it’s just an illusion sadly).

Remember: Tracksuit bottoms now count as proper clothes.

6. Hide make-up everywhere

Before I knew what an episiotomy was, I wouldn’t have left the house without make-up on. Now I’ll wander up Penge High street wearing nothing but a haggard expression (like everyone else on Penge High Street).

However, this doesn’t happen as often as it used to. Why? Because I’ve got BB creams, concealers, mineral foundation, tinted moisturiser, spray foundation and pansticks scattered round every room in the house. And blusher. To hide the sallow, sunken, sleep-deprived resignation.

BB creams

7. Put a toothbrush in the kitchen

If I miss that brief window of opportunity to brush my teeth in the bathroom, I can spend the rest of the day looking for an opportunity to take a two-minute time out with the Sonicare. Now we all have a toothbrush in the kitchen too, making basic dental hygiene less of a pipe dream.

Also, I brush my teeth in the shower – two minutes longer to enjoy the watery loveliness, whilst also ACHIEVING. It’s all about achieving.

Remember: No one is listening to you with that food stuck in your teeth. Or without that food stuck in your teeth, come to think of it. You’re a mother now.

8. Wear a bra to bed

Belvia Bra JML

It’s the “sucking my stomach in” face!

If you breastfeed you’ll probably wear a comfy feeding bra to bed. This time, I decided not to give up when I shut down the milk bar. I bought myself an array of in no way sexy, but incredibly comfy Belvia bras in pastel colours (see my Belvia bra review on Dork Adore).

Why? Well, I also treated myself to a wide and varied selection of PJs that look like they could actually be real clothes. Now when I answer the door at midday, still in my jammies, I don’t have to pretend to have the flu. Also, I can ignore the total devastation that now exists where my breasts used to be.

I went round to a friend’s house (midday, still in her jammies, filthy woman) and discovered she’s kept the whole bra thing going too. You feel more in control when you’re wearing a bra (it’s just an illusion sadly).

Remember: we’re not talking Carrie Bradshaw style fully wired night lingerie here. As far as I’m concerned, once I’m through the front door my day bra is OFF.

Wow, reading this back, I am essentially a slattern. What are your time hacking tips, fellow lazy parents? Share yours so I don’t feel so disgusting.

(This column is an edited version of the one I already posted on www.dorkadore.com because I’m now too lazy to even write new articles.)

Filed Under: Blather, Columns, Parenting Tagged With: Parenting

The five things every new parent should know and other hilarious columns

September 25, 2014 by Katie Lee

Every new parent needs this adviceI’ve written some columns recently that are dear to my heart – after all, who doesn’t enjoy trying to mention vaginas as much as possible in one article?

The first one – Five Thing Every Parent With a New Baby Should Know – goes into unnecessarily graphic detail about the birthing process before sharing my five essential parenting tools for anyone with a newborn. This includes Dunstan’s Baby Language, which is so amazing that I’m still perplexed as to why it’s not more widely known. It’s also got Dr Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block technique.

Incidentally, for anyone with a toddler, Dr Karp’s toddler technique is equally awesome – although my friend reports that her toddler has now learned the magic formula and is starting to game the system. Another reminder that we’re basically dealing with tiny sociopaths here.

I also did one about My Favourite Time Saving Tips for New Mothers, which will really blow your mind with quite how far I’ve fallen since bringing humans into this world. Just reading it makes me want to take a shower. Luckily I had one last night.

Parentdish archive classics

Back in the dawn of man 2.0 when I was helping AOL to set up its blogging division, I spent some time as launch editor of Parentdish UK . As luck would have it, I was actually pregnant at the time, so *almost* knew what I was talking about. One thing I did know about was being pregnant. Here are a couple of pieces I wrote back then

10 Weird Pregnancy Symptoms They Don’t Warn You About

Even More Weird Pregnancy Symptoms

I had a LOT of these symptoms – some of which I’d actually forgotten about and am re-living all over again as I read this articles. Brr.

Filed Under: Blather, Columns, Dork Adore Tagged With: Dork Adore, Mummy Blogging, Parenting

Yes, another Katie Lee blog

May 19, 2011 by Katie Lee

Because I thought to myself “you just don’t have enough poorly tended personal blogs kicking around the internet”.

But this one has a simple premise: a place to collect all the witty, insightful, clever, brilliant and sometimes terrifying words I write for one of my websites, or a client’s website, or a newspaper or magazine.

Just anything at all that I may have written at some point in my life.

I’m slowly adding everything. It may take some time: I’ve written a LOT of internet.

What Katie Wrote

Filed Under: Columns Tagged With: Jorg & Olif, Katie Lee

Enjoying the Slow Life with Jorg & Olif

March 13, 2011 by Katie Lee

Slow Life Company I’ve been having a lovely time editing a Slow Life Magazine for the wonderful Jorg & Olif, a Dutch Bicycle company.

This is a perfect fit for me, since it gives me the chance to write about things like:

  • How to buy a wood
  • An AMAZING yurt-filled campsite in Norway, where you can have a bath outside.
  • Zenware and the art of clutter-free computing — how to get rid of all the distractions and actually get work done.
  • Lovely bicycle panniers from New LOOXS, a Dutch bicycle accessories company.
  • How to give to charity for free
  • Riverford vs Abel & Cole. The best organic delivery box scheme
  • Could you live in a tiny house?
  • Five of the best alternative social networks
  • How to form good habits

All of these articles are dream pieces, combining online geekery, camping, Dutch stuff (when not buying Dutch tents, I’m buying Dutch child seats for bicycles), a long-standing obsession with the Small House Movement, lifehacking and general eco-worrying.

If you want to read more of my pieces for Jorg & Olif (and don’t worry, I don’t write the whole site — otherwise it would just be a laundry list of my current obsessions) you can check out the Katie Lee author page.

It’s a great example of brands owning their own media, with a remit to cover anything related to the Slow Life Movement — even if that means writing about and linking to other bicycle brands.

Jorg & Olif is  a great company, with true vision and a fantastic ethic. I’m proud to be working with them.

Slow Life Movement Magazine on Jorg & Olif.

Filed Under: Columns, Jones & Jones Tagged With: Jorg & Olif, Writing

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