I was chatting to some fellow non-famous people on Twitter the other day about how I’d always planned to write a guide to faking fame on Twitter but never quite got round to it.
Then I discovered that, thanks to years spent saying “Go and put your shoes on” to the two tiny psychopaths who live in my house, my brain had batch deleted all memories from before 2015 and I had in fact already written the piece.
Here it is.
Nowadays, normal folk can’t get a word in edgeways.
But you know what I say? If you can’t beat them, join them! If you’d like to behave like a Famous on Twitter, all you have to do is follow these simple steps and you too will be able to slightly spoil it for everyone else.
1. Get your account verified
If you want to be allowed into the famous person elite the first step is to get your account verified. Having a little blue tick logo gives an account a certain cachet and will set you apart from the rambling masses.
Unfortunately, Twitter does not accept requests for verification from “the general public.” Only the specific public. This includes “highly sought users in music, acting, fashion, government, politics, religion, journalism, media, sports, business and other key interest areas.”
As we all know, none of these people are members of the general public – even when they are queuing to top up their Oyster cards like everyone else.
Luckily, thanks to the internet any idiot can be a journalist these days. I suggest you start with that and if that fails move on to becoming highly sought for your religion.
2. Write a fake bio
No celebrity worth their salt actually writes a proper bio. While the rest of us are trying to sum up our entire personality in 160 characters without sounding too needy, dull or psychotic, celebrities opt instead for a little bit of nonsense.
Typically, it’s either a slice of false modesty or it’s a little sample of humorous folly. Either way, it shows 1. you’re so famous you don’t NEED to write a proper bio 2. you’re witty and self-effacing and aren’t desperately seeking followers.
“Older than my beard, younger than my teeth” (for a female)
“That’s classified” (hilarious and mysterious)
“I write stuff” or “Actor” (so modest! So understated!)
“Spy, clog maker, horse whisperer” (What a hoot!)
3. Talk amongst yourselves
Don’t bother replying to the hoi polloi – unless you’re condescending to retweet something nice they’ve said about you. Instead, chat to other famous people over the top of everyone’s heads.
It doesn’t have to be witty or interesting: feel free just to discuss some new shoes you have bought. If possible, try to talk to at least three or four other celebs to let us know how unstarry our own conversations are.
If you must reply to someone, try to make sure you do it by retweeting them and adding your answer at the front so everyone gets to watch you commune with the lowly beings.
4. Praise products
A lot of celebrity Twitter feeds have a strong whiff of product sponsorship about them. If you just got your floor done by an amazing firm specialising in eco-friendly, recycled rubber tyres from the US (air freighted here for your pleasure) make sure you let the world know about it.
Tell everyone! We love to know that we can now enjoy paying full price for the same product you got at cost in return for that tweet.
5. Get someone else to write it for you
Some of these suggestions are for fairly standard celebs – writers, journalists and comedians who are skiving off proper work. If you want to REALLY show the world how famous you are, have someone else tweet for you.
“Hi guys, Sarah is about to head to Sainsbury’s for the weekly shop – come join her and she’ll sign your reusable tote!”
Obviously, I am just bitter and jealous because when there were only twelve people on Twitter, we thought we were quite The Thing. Now we know we are not.
How do YOU pretend to be famous on Twitter?
Pic: I’m Famous on the Internet T-shirt from Zazzle.
This article originally appeared in slightly different form on Dork Adore, the nerd paradise I inhabit from time to time.